So, I’ve been doing pretty well keeping up with the goals and commitments I’ve made so far. I’m not doing the End Zone Celebration yet though. First, because I’ve been here before with a few really good weeks of reading my Bible, talking and listening to God only to lose focus after my initial motivation wears off. The other thing is that through reading, asking hard questions, and listening for God’s answer, I’m getting some pretty uncomfortable responses.
Things like, “You’re not perfect.”
Now, I’m not completely delusional. I know I’m not perfect. Well, at least I know I’m not supposed to think I’m perfect. But knowing I have flaws and sin in my life is easy compared to facing up them.
All of this came full circle as I was continuing to read 2 Corinthians 4. It talks about how we are jars of clay, imperfect and fragile. But it also says that “we do not lose heart.”
Instead, it says, we renounce shameful ways, we do not deceive, we do not distort the Word, and we set forth the truth. The part I’m really interested in right now is the deceit vs. the truth. How do I set forth the truth? Is that different somehow from just telling the truth? In thinking about this, I came up with a few truths of my own.
The truth is that anything I do right is from God’s power. I see my flaws and know I can do nothing without him.
The truth is I really don’t know what I’m doing.
The truth is that for too many years I have fallen far short of the expectations I have for my life.
The truth is that I’m embarrassed and scared for people to know who I really am. Embarrassed because I feel like a misfit (an awkward, socially inept misfit). Scared because I’ve been rejected, mistreated, and falsely accused by so many that I have let close enough to see my real flaws.
I will allow people to see a flaw in my life just to give the appearance of being humble and transparent. When I really have no intention of letting my true nature be seen.
The crazy thing is that my true nature isn’t some tabloid worthy scandal. I’m pretty boring actually. I think it’s just a defense for me to put on a false persona. If people reject me I have the safety net of telling myself, “They just don’t know my heart.”
Maybe it’s time I let people know my heart.